February 18, 2015

The Train Wreck Called "When Body Met Pregnancy”

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of my human body over which Pregnancy, who likes to think she is sovereign over all, does not cry, ‘Mine!’”
 - Abraham Kuyper’s Pregnant Wife probably

Clip art of Pre-Pregnant/Pregnant Pollyanna done by yours truly. 

Every. Square. Inch.

As if pregnancy is the latest remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” As if it’s not a beautiful, precious little child growing inside, but rather something sort of like a life-sucking parasite.

This is for those who are pregnant, or who have recently been pregnant, or who remember being pregnant a long time ago because the transformation was simply that memorable. 

And this is for those who do not feel like a magical pregnancy unicorn for nine out of the nine months of gestation. 

(Because it’s better to laugh than to hormonally cry as we already do much of the time.)

We'll start from the top. And work our way down to the deepest depths.

1. Pregnancy Brain. Why did I enter this room? Why did I open the fridge? Did I remember to flush the toilet? What was I going to do? Where did I set that thing? What “thing” did I set down in the first place?

2. Pre-pubescent Acne. Did I get pregnant, or did I re-enroll in puberty? PLEASE NO.

3. Zombie Eyes. Trouble falling asleep. Tossing. Turning. Wanting to punch Husband's peacefully sleeping face straight out of the bed and across the room just because. An endless cycle of daytime cat naps and nighttime insomnia. Being blinded by the light when venturing outside even when it is overcast. All attributing to eyes that look like striped Christmas candy canes and make me a prime candidate for next season's tryouts of The Walking Dead.

4. Fattened Shnozz. Did you know this? That your nose can literally swell when you're pregnant?! Does that explain how I can tell my next door neighbor forgot to put on deodorant this morning?  Or how three days post-chopping, I can still smell onion on my hands? Or how I can sniff out a Big Mac from miles away?

5. Moles on Moles on Moles on Moles. (Moles on ery'thing.) The best kinds are the ones with hair growing out of them.

6. Chipmunk Face. “Doc, you say it’s water retention, but I swear I pee out all of my bodily fluids on an hourly basis.”

7. Gorgeous Locks. Thank you, Prenatal Vitamins. Because of you, not all pregnancy changes are bad. But I’m pretty sure my gorgeous, fast growing hair is just your apology for setting me up on a never ending blind date with Constipation.

8. Sausage Fingers. “Lady Fingers, meet Sausage Fingers. And say ‘goodbye’ to your wedding ring. You won’t be seeing it again until you endure two weeks of Night Sweats post-delivery.”

9. Hillbilly Teeth. "Oh, I’m sorry. Did you only brush your teeth twice yesterday?" snickered Cavities and Gingivitis. 

10. Ring. (See #8: “Sausage Fingers.”)

11. Drool. You thought your pee muscle was the only incontinent part of your body? Wrong. WUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

12. Burning Heart. I be poppin' Tums like Smarties. All because of the three tortilla chips I slathered with salsa. Mild salsa. Maybe I can just pop one of my new water balloon boobs to put out the fire in my chest.

13. Water Balloon Boobs. You can look, but you can’t touch. Or you will be seriously killed. 

14. Stretch Marks. “Spread some cocoa butter on your stomach!” she says. “That will prevent getting any stretch marks!” she says. (Tell that to the purple map of Zimbabwe that miraculously appeared on my stomach and buttox after eighteen gallons of cocoa butter treatment.)

15. Toxic Gases. Now, I’m not quite sure. Was that one called the “Machine Gun,” or the “Crop Duster?” And will the smell stick around for all eternity like a wet booger on the tip of my finger? For the love of potpourri. 

16. Warped Belly Button. Oh, you didn’t know? My belly button is with child too! 

17. Apple Bottom Butt. “How do you fit all that, in them jeans?” sang Jason Derulo to his pregnant Baby Mama probably.

18. Unreliable Sphincter. Meet your new BFF:

And meet your other new BFF: Kegals.

19. CRAMP!!! As if I was actually trying to exercise in my sleep!!! I don't even exercise in the daytime!!! It's like a thousand bees stinging my legs beneath a thousand stinging jellyfish!!! Make it stop!!! I might need to offer Husband a kick to the gut to go with the punch to his peacefully sleeping face!!!

20. Spider Veins. “Mommy, why did you color on your legs with a blue marker?”

21. Sasquatch Feet. Am I pregnant, or did I contract elephantiasis? Will my feet ever fit into anything besides thong sandals again? And by "thong sandals," I mean actually wrapping a stretchy g-string around a thick slab of cardboard, simply to avoid having to walk barefoot up and down the aisles of the grocery store?! (Side note: I swear I just clipped my nails yesterday. Thanks again, Prenatal Vitamins.)

22. Wooly Legs. “Ignorance is bliss,” said every pregnant woman who couldn’t see her hairy legs beyond her beluga whale belly. ("But to know is pain," said every pregnant woman's husband sharing her bed.)

And oh yeah, did I forget to mention...?

Grace and Peace to you who are also on the beautiful, miraculous, awesome (and sometimes interesting) journey of Pregnancy,