October 1, 2014

Dear Blank, Please Blank: Mom Edition

Have you ever heard of the website “Dear Blank, Please Blank?” Example:

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving until 5.

Sincerely,
Unicorns


If you are not amused, stop reading now. Because here is my version. Times twenty.

I dedicate these to all who appreciate a little sarcasm throughout their day. Because we are kindred spirits probably. So, here it goes... 


Dear Daughter Talking on Her TV Remote Phone,


Expect nothing more before high school.

Sincerely,
The MEANEST Mom in THE WORLD and her friend, Sorry Not Sorry



Dear Grapes,

Go cut yourselves in half for once.

Sincerely,
So Over It



Dear Every Stranger Who Calls Our Daughter A Boy,

She is wearing earrings and a pink dress.

Sincerely,
Seriously?


 


Dear “Peg + Cat,”

Maybe with all of the problems in your life that you think need “solving,” you should just admit that it’s time for therapy.

Sincerely,
The Problem is NOT Solved


 


Dear Tinfoil-with-Paper-Inside Muffin Cups,

Do I use just the tinfoil and throw the paper one away? Or do I use both together?! Or do I use both but separately?!!!

Sincerely,
Not Betty Crocker




Dear Child in My Arms Sneaking Finger-licks of Batter While I’m Scooping the Other Way,

I thought we were having “a moment.”

Sincerely,
You’re Just a User and Abuser



Dear Poopy Diaper,

You stink.

Sincerely,
Waste Management




Dear One-Year-Old,

You put the “toddle” in “toddler.”

Sincerely,
You will Probably Need an MRI by the Time You Turn Two



Dear Mom Brain,

Some days, you are absolutely no different than Pregnancy Brain.

Sincerely,
Why Did I Walk Into This Room?


 


Dear Future Employer,

Are Hide-and-Seek, Peek-a-Boo, and Jumping on the Bed considered “Related Experience?”

Sincerely,
Stacking my Résumé



Dear Booger,

You have traveled from my daughter’s nose to her cheek to her eyebrow and now down to her chin.

Sincerely,
Too Entertained to Wipe it Off Just Yet




Dear Stubborn as a You-Know-What Child,

Did you know that the definition of “insanity” is doing something over and over and expecting different results?

Sincerely,
That Square Block Will Not Fit Into that Round Hole




Dear Stubborn as a You-Know-What Child (2),

Mom always wins.

Sincerely,
It’s a Pleasure Doing Battle With You



Dear Spot on My Shirt,

Are you milk? Yogurt? Boogers? Animal crackers? Squash? Potatoes? Throw up?

Sincerely,
Why Do I Even Bother


 


Dear Two O’clock,

You are my Happy Hour.

Sincerely,
Mother of a Napping Child




Dear Child,

I promise I don’t find pleasure in your pain. Except when it means I get to see your poop face.

Sincerely,
Your Nostrils are Flared and Your Face is a Tomato and You are Pushing SO HARD



Dear Inexpensive Diapers that Make My Daughter’s Butt Look Like Raw Hamburger,

You give meaning to the phrase “you get what you pay for.”

Sincerely,
Disappointed Dutch Girl




Dear Quiet and Out-of-Sight Child,

I know you are making some kind of mess. But right now, I just love the silence too much to go find you and the mess you are making.

Sincerely,
Conflicted



Dear Temper Tantrum,

SLKVN;LAJES[RJA’VLM!@!!AS/VM/KJ///[WJ0329FKLVN/,ADJFAJ!!!!???????????#RLSKADMVFLKJ3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
How Do You Like It


 


Dear “No,”

If you could get out my daughter’s vocabulary right now I wouldn’t get mad at you or anything.

Sincerely,
Mother of a Sassy Pants


 
Dear Playground,

Who needs toys and merry-go-rounds and slides when you have woodchips, rocks, and cigarette butts to play with?

Sincerely,
Easily Amused Child












Dear Child Who Is Never Afraid to Jump When I’m Around,

You could teach me a thing or two about faith.

Sincerely,
One Grateful Mommy


 


Dear Fellow Friends of Sarcasm,

What “Dear Blank, Please Blanks” would you add to this list?

Sincerely,
Kendra

ps. Here are a few more that other mommy friends added...

Dear first trimester,

You just suck.

Sincerely, 
I thought 14 weeks was supposed to be better




Dear poopy diaper child,

I thought you were done so I changed you.

Sincerely, 
I changed you again 5 minutes later because you were not done.....




Dear toys covering the playroom floor,

Why are none of you as interesting as the dog food, the Tupperware drawer, or the tissue box?

Sincerely,
"No no, Kamryn. Play with this fun toy!"




Dear Menopause Brain,

Some days, you are absolutely no different than Pregnancy Brain and Mom Brain!

Sincerely,
Why Did I Walk Into This Room? Some things Never change!!




Dear Sisters of Sarcasm,

I love all of your ideas and encouragement. It's like we are Zac Efron and his band of Wildcats. 

Sincerely,
We're All in This Together




Dear Poopy Diaper,

I don't believe you. 

Sincerely,
You're Full of Crap